Taking a Chance
10-22-18
I’m taking a chance.
While I’ve written poetry that reflects my bipolar ups and downs, I
haven’t shared much pertaining to the journey I’m on with it. It’s a bit intimidating to be sharing such
intimate details about oneself, especially when such vulnerability can be
rejected or misunderstood. It is within
that vulnerability though, I feel I can be most honest about who I am and what
I do with my work.
This last two years have been a particularly difficult. My husband almost died early into this year
and the trauma from it caused me to fall into very long manic and depressive
episodes. We’ve since had good and bad things
happen throughout the year including a move to a new home. The year before
that, we had several deaths in our family all within 3 weeks of each other, one
of them my mother. So, stress has been a
companion for this time. It has affected
my work.
I’m taking a chance.
While I’ve written poetry that reflects my bipolar ups and downs, I
haven’t shared much pertaining to the journey I’m on with it. It’s a bit intimidating to be sharing such
intimate details about oneself, especially when such vulnerability can be
rejected or misunderstood. It is within
that vulnerability though, I feel I can be most honest about who I am and what
I do with my work.
My art work is taking on a new direction. I’m allowing myself to be the subject matter
of the work. I always felt that I had to
hide or try to stay ‘positive’ within my work so not to bring me or someone
down in the process of viewing the pieces.
As a woman of faith, I wanted to my work to bring glory and beauty to
God and not discredit Him in any way.
What I discovered was, I was being somewhat dishonest with myself as to
who I was and how I was created. I am in
the process of realizing that I am enough.
This last two years have been a particularly difficult. My husband almost died early into this year
and the trauma from it caused me to fall into very long manic and depressive
episodes. We’ve since had good and bad things
happen throughout the year including a move to a new home. The year before
that, we had several deaths in our family all within 3 weeks of each other, one
of them my mother. So, stress has been a
companion for this time. It has affected
my work.
It has become darker, more expressive, using materials that
reflect sorrow, grief, death, burial: burlap, gauze, cheesecloth. I’m painting
with oil and cold wax; a sensual material for my emotions. I found myself revisiting some previous
concepts but instead of outside influences, the influence was me and my
journey. I’m sewing, tearing, cutting
into the canvas and fabric. The creation
of the work has become physical. I truly
believe that this is the most honest work I’ve created in a very long
time. I am challenged by this, scared to
an extent, by this. But it is work I
must create. I cannot help it. It is what is coming out of me.
So I create. I’m
taking a chance. I’m allowing myself to be and be in the work. I’m allowing the emotions and trauma of my
innermost being to be transparent. And
I’m learning that I am enough.
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