Taking a Chance

10-22-18


I’m taking a chance.  While I’ve written poetry that reflects my bipolar ups and downs, I haven’t shared much pertaining to the journey I’m on with it.  It’s a bit intimidating to be sharing such intimate details about oneself, especially when such vulnerability can be rejected or misunderstood.  It is within that vulnerability though, I feel I can be most honest about who I am and what I do with my work.    

My art work is taking on a new direction.  I’m allowing myself to be the subject matter of the work.  I always felt that I had to hide or try to stay ‘positive’ within my work so not to bring me or someone down in the process of viewing the pieces.  As a woman of faith, I wanted to my work to bring glory and beauty to God and not discredit Him in any way.  What I discovered was, I was being somewhat dishonest with myself as to who I was and how I was created.  I am in the process of realizing that I am enough. 

This last two years have been a particularly difficult.  My husband almost died early into this year and the trauma from it caused me to fall into very long manic and depressive episodes.  We’ve since had good and bad things happen throughout the year including a move to a new home. The year before that, we had several deaths in our family all within 3 weeks of each other, one of them my mother.  So, stress has been a companion for this time.  It has affected my work. 

It has become darker, more expressive, using materials that reflect sorrow, grief, death, burial: burlap, gauze, cheesecloth. I’m painting with oil and cold wax; a sensual material for my emotions.  I found myself revisiting some previous concepts but instead of outside influences, the influence was me and my journey.  I’m sewing, tearing, cutting into the canvas and fabric.  The creation of the work has become physical.  I truly believe that this is the most honest work I’ve created in a very long time.  I am challenged by this, scared to an extent, by this.  But it is work I must create.  I cannot help it.  It is what is coming out of me. 

So I create.  I’m taking a chance. I’m allowing myself to be and be in the work.  I’m allowing the emotions and trauma of my innermost being to be transparent.  And I’m learning that I am enough.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

9-11-18

Image
9-11-18 Seventeen years since your soul was silenced Seventeen years of tears and emptiness Seventeen years of mourning and grieving Seventeen years of remembering and reflecting Seventeen years of wondering and honoring Seventeen years of rebuilding and remaking Seventeen years since you were taken Seventeen years of moving forward, yet looking back Seventeen years without you
Read more

Reflections on a Gift

Image
2-10-2020 I turn 60 this week.  I'm excited to turn that age for I don't see it as negative but as a positive point in my life.  It means I've been granted to live this long and been able to have a family, friends, and of course, be an artist for the majority of those years.  As I reflect on my life artistically, I'm coming to the conclusion that this journey I'm on is really about process and the experience of making art.  The 'product' is the outcome of this experience but this 'product' records the movement and markmaking of my creativity, whether it be painting, sculpture, or something else.  I've also come to realize that I don't need to come up with something original, just something honest.  The originality comes with honesty; it comes from being in tuned with who I am and how I want to express myself.  For so long I thought that I had to create something that had a cooresponding concept or idea.  I'm realizing that I am enough....
Read more

The Gift of Doubt

Image
The greater the artist, the greater the doubt. Perfect confidence is granted to the less talented as a consolation prize.  Robert Hughes I've heard this quote before from the critic and author, Robert Hughes. I like how he addresses doubt.  We all have it.  We all face those times in the studio where doubt creeps in and tries to take over our creativity.  And, it doesn't matter how long you've had your practice, it just happens.  I don't know of one artist who hasn't struggled with doubt.   But the issue is how we address and handle doubt when it arises.  I've seen doubt paralyze artists and I've seen it spur artists onto creating wonderful works.  It can do both.  Do we, as artists, rise to the challenge and face doubt or do we shrink from our calling and quit? Doubt is a nasty animal - it would love for us to quit but as artists, we can't allow it to dictate our creativity - or our practice.  Doubt can also be a gift....
Read more