Taking a Chance
I’m taking a chance. While I’ve written poetry that reflects my bipolar ups and downs, I haven’t shared much pertaining to the journey I’m on with it. It’s a bit intimidating to be sharing such intimate details about oneself, especially when such vulnerability can be rejected or misunderstood. It is within that vulnerability though, I feel I can be most honest about who I am and what I do with my work.
My art work is taking on a new direction. I’m allowing myself to be the subject matter of the work. I always felt that I had to hide or try to stay ‘positive’ within my work so not to bring me or someone down in the process of viewing the pieces. As a woman of faith, I wanted to my work to bring glory and beauty to God and not discredit Him in any way. What I discovered was, I was being somewhat dishonest with myself as to who I was and how I was created. I am in the process of realizing that I am enough.
This last two years have been a particularly difficult. My husband almost died early into this year and the trauma from it caused me to fall into very long manic and depressive episodes. We’ve since had good and bad things happen throughout the year including a move to a new home. The year before that, we had several deaths in our family all within 3 weeks of each other, one of them my mother. So, stress has been a companion for this time. It has affected my work.
It has become darker, more expressive, using materials that reflect sorrow, grief, death, burial: burlap, gauze, cheesecloth. I’m painting with oil and cold wax; a sensual material for my emotions. I found myself revisiting some previous concepts but instead of outside influences, the influence was me and my journey. I’m sewing, tearing, cutting into the canvas and fabric. The creation of the work has become physical. I truly believe that this is the most honest work I’ve created in a very long time. I am challenged by this, scared to an extent, by this. But it is work I must create. I cannot help it. It is what is coming out of me.
So I create. I’m taking a chance. I’m allowing myself to be and be in the work. I’m allowing the emotions and trauma of my innermost being to be transparent. And I’m learning that I am enough.